Sorry I haven't been blogging - we have had a new arrival in our family! My son and his wife gave birth to a bouncing baby boy last Tuesday and we have been up at his house with no internet connection.
Anyway, I have been reading this book called Love Hunger - Recovery from Food Addiction by Dr. Frank Minirth, Dr. Paul Meier, Dr. Robert Helmfelt and Dr. Sharon Sneed. All are psychologists from the Minirth-Meier Clinic in Richardson, Texas. The premise is that once we know we have a problem with food - then we need to discover its root and work through the problem so we can succeed in recovery. It definitely has a connection in this idea with Over-eaters Anonymous - the idea of working through your issues to effect recovery. Right now I am reading about understanding the addiction cycle so I can take the right steps. Ten pathways to recovery involve being successful in your endeavor, grieving out the pain, exploring new vsitas, choosing new guides, maintaining your victory and dealing with relapse. Then there are meal plans and recipes in the back of the book.
I am not sure I really understand the whole "love hunger" bit. To me at least, its more about selfishness and control. I have mentioned before about watching how Gillian and Bob seem to get to the underlying heart of a contestant's behavior on Biggest Loser and the transformation that starts at that moment - its a moment I long for. I still don't believe I have too many underlying issues from childhood. There was the sadness of moving out of my grandparent's home and into another, but I was very young and I don't feel I really suffered too much as we saw my grandparents once a week until we moved away when I was 7 - and even then never more than a month went by without seeing them. So I need to look elsewhere for this period of time that marked my loss of control.
Once again I feel I am entering an area I don't want to go to. I started gaining weight shortly after I got married. I know this isn't about my husband - I have always loved him dearly. But I think maybe it's rooted in my giving up theater and moving so far from everything I knew. Being from New York, the Midwest did not fit into my comfort zone. My idea of an enjoyable time included rehearsing for shows, performing in shows, hanging out in New York City and seeing shows, singing around a piano with friends...well, truthfully, my whole life was wrapped up tightly in the theatrical community. I made what may have been a dumb decision on my part just before I got married. I did not want my husband to ride motorcycles anymore as I had seen one too many victims in the hospital I worked at. His response was then you need to give up theater because I think it would be detrimental to our relationship. This truthfully was probably true. Now, I have to be honest here, I was pretty much tired in many ways of that lifestyle - probably because I was lonely - you don't meet too many dating prospects in the theater! I had been thinking it would jut be nice to get away from it all, get married and have the house with the white picket fence...so I thought, what harm could come from that - there is more to me than theater! So, I agreed. I am guessing that decision and moving so far from home was the catalyst for my "love hunger'.
My husband worked a weekend shift where he left Friday and came back home Monday. I had all that time on my hands and not a lot of people to "hang" with, so I would go to the store and buy sweets and brownies and use them as my meals while he was gone. I just didn't feel like cooking for myself. His best friend also struggled with weight and we actually used to spend hours on the phone talking about food!
I think the other thing I really struggle with is who I actually am. I am a people pleaser and try to fit into any situation I am in, which sadly means maybe I am a little weak in character. That's hard to admit. At any rate, fitting in meant living like all the people he knew - so I learned to garden and can my own food, go to baseball games and little town parades, join the ladies society at church and have pot luck dinners. Don't get me wrong I didn't exactly dislike it, but I think I lost a little of myself in the process. When we moved to Canada, I went into my "mother earth" phase living in a log cabin, learning how to cook on a friend's wood stove and oven, going to cutting bees where the men cut the wood and the ladies worked on crafts and cooked. We were the lucky ones on our road as we had running water and an indoor bathroom. Some of our friends weren't so lucky. But its not so bad when you are riding in a horse driven sleigh in winter or walking down a long lane-way with luminaria lighting the way.
I hope those of you who are reading about my journey get something out of this that will help you in your journey. I know reading about others is helping me even though I am not seeing much result wise.